Five Useful Things I've Learned in Five Years of Marriage

Friday, Bridget and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. And we celebrated with a frozen pizza, some asparagus, and a couple miniature Peanut Butter Cups. Take that, romance!

Before you call the Sad Police, we're doing a real celebration next weekend. No, not Paris, like the photo above, but some time away for just the two of us. At least that's the plan. Plans have a way of going awry when you have a young family and live in New England.

For example, we had planned a nice dinner out Friday night, but we ended up with the round cheesy delicacy (Newman's is actually pretty good, if you're in the market for one) because of the stupid snow. God, I hate snow. It's so stupid and awful.

Anyway, that whole "plans often go awry" is something I've learned several times in the last five years. But it's far from the only thing I've learned. So I thought I'd step back, take stock, and share five useful lessons from our first five years of marriage.

One note, before we dig into the list, is that we're admittedly early in our marriage, depending on your perspective. I don't pretend to know anything about being married for 10 years, 15 years, or 50 years. I hope to someday. But I do think I know a thing or two about being married for five years. So here goes:

1. Reactions are more important than actions. Bad things will happen in a marriage; they are inevitable. Milk will spill, diapers will blow out (if you have kids), and tragedies will sneak up on you. On top of that, there are things about your partner that will annoy you. One of you will be cleaner. One of you will like to sleep in. And so on. These things will happen and, mostly, they are beyond your control. But you can control your reactions. Those reactions, which are hopefully empathetic and compassionate, can go a long way toward making a marriage happy.

2. It's okay to go to bed angry, sometimes. I think we've all heard the opposite of this advice several times in our lives. Five years ago, I would have subscribed to it. (We can talk through anything!) Now, I think the advice is wrong and potentially harmful. Space is good sometimes. Sitting with your thoughts is good sometimes. Yes, you should always communicate, but not until both partners are ready to have a conversation.

3. Compliments are critical. More than likely, your spouse is the most important person in your life. That's certainly the truth for me. Your spouse's opinions, even if it's not always obvious, matter a great deal. And a thoughtful, well-placed, "Hey, you really look nice today" on a rushed weekday morning can make all the difference in the world.

4. It's important to try new things. We're all products of our lived experiences--this is the way my family does holidays, these are my favorite foods, this is how I spend my free time. Staying true to yourself is, of course, important, but marriage isn't a time for being stubborn or bullheaded. Had it not been for Bridget, I wouldn't like brussels sprouts, banana peppers, or yogurt. And I wouldn't love my dog, because I wouldn't have a dog. I've found that flexibility is better than firmness.

5. Marriage is hard. Duh, right? Well, maybe not. A lot of us (myself included) had a vision at one point that included finding the perfect person, building white picket fences, drinking lots of expensive wine, and letting the soft wind gently tickle your hair. So far, except for the first item in that list, that hasn't been my experience. (We are getting a new fence this spring, though.) Marriage takes time, effort, and attention. To me, it's like a big project at work. (Sorry, ladies. I'm taken.) If you ignore it or think someone else will handle it, it's probably not going to succeed. You need to work at it and nurture it. How? Communicate. Be spontaneous. Inconvenience yourself. Put in the time.

Above all, it's about picking the right person and then growing with that person. I'm so lucky I did. And that I am.